Sunday, May 20, 2007
Y Heart and Soul
it's close to 6am now.
when i'm not at the right state of mind, i do the crappiest thing. and guess what i did? i messaged Wilson, "hi" on msn, but in the end, i didn't chat with him after that. that's crap, i know. i'm still feeling not very sober right now. i know this is crap, because if i'm not sober right now, then how the hell i'm able to type all these shits now. well, i don't know.
i'm sorry. for making all of you worry just now. thanks for taking care of me just now. especially ah dong. i'm sorry for puking all over you on the cab. i may be pretty wasted, but i remembered what happened, thought not very clear. eurgh. i must had looked very unglam just now. blabbering rubbish to a guy i just knew for a day. walking like a boat sailing on de sea. and worse of all, puking all over ah dong in the cab! damn, i'm feeling terribly bad right now! sorry dong! p.s: please tell me how much $ i've to return you for the dinner, the drinks and cab alright?
well, if you all know me well, i'm not the kind of pubs or clubs person. how often do you see me go pubbing or clubbing right? but today, i had the urge to drink. i've no idea why! so i asked dong and yun out to keep me company. or rather, i've practically asked anybody i can get, but only the 2 of them was able to make it. we were at the cannery initially. walking past The Clinic, KandiBar and the taxi stand, where he used to wait for me on 2nd March, causes tears welling up in my eyes. after having our dinner at The Coffee Club, we walked to Circular Road to meet up with Nancy. yes, that girl i've been missing so much and wanting to meet up. one of the best friends i've made in Conrad. i knew her because she was Wilson's god sister back then. i missed the times we used to talk about EVERYTHING during work. i used to think differently (negatively) of people from China, but because of Nancy (right, and lu hua whom i've not talked to for a long time), my perception of the Chinese changed.
nancy was feeling down in the lumps as well, so we decided to meet up for a drink. she brought us to this KTV pub owned by her friend - LU along Circular Road. i think the place's pretty fine. we were early, as not many people were around when we stepped in. we totally owned the microphone, and began singing and singing. yun's friend, elijah (darn the spelling of his name.), joined us as well. and elijah's friend, xiao, joined us later. we were playing some drinking games.
we opened 2 bottles of Chivas, at a discounted rate. all thanks to Nancy. i don't know how much i've drank. i'm a sucker for alcohol, that's all i know. i remembered bumping into Junpeng, one of our collegues from Conrad as well. i remembered singing a few songs. i was unable to sing that high key of the song, You Ni Zhen Hao, when i went Kbox with marc 1 month ago, but today, i sang it with yun pretty well. and i've yet sang it to him like i said i will! ohwells. shrugs* and about 2 years ago, after my break up with Wilson, yun sang me Jolin's Wo Zhi Dao Ni Hen Nan Guo, and today she sang it again. well, that's a very very sad song. :( and dammit! all the emo songs kept playing! in the end, both nancy and i couldn't hold it any longer, and we broke down. btw, tonight there were 3 people who's out of love - nancy, elijah and me. that's pretty sad huh? yeah, it is.
i remembered not walking straight then. nancy and i went outta the pub, and broke down. i think i made yun and dong worried. they followed us out, i think? elijah followed too. was it xiao who looked after our stuffs? i think so. elijah had broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years few days ago. he told me alot of stuffs, i think? i think i felt like crap, blabbering some stuffs to him. and i just got to know him today! darn paiseh!
we went back into the pub aftermath. did i went on drinking? i remembered grabbing my glass and drink, but it didn't tasted like Chivas at all. was i drinking Green tea instead? i think it was Xiao or Dong who stopped me? darn, i can't remember!! the next thing i knew, i was dragged outta the pub by Dong. though i was not very well myself, i kept worrying for Yun and Nancy. i think elijah sent yun back, and nancy's friend (pub owner) sent her back. i think? as for me, obviously, ah dong dragged me back.
dong, what rubbish had i blabbered on the way back? i can't remember! and yet i had vivid images of some stuffs. and well. next thing i know, i puked in the car. i made the cab stink. worse is, i puked all over ah dong! i'm so sorry!!!!! i think dong called my brother, because when i got to my block, my brother was there waiting to bring me home. after a hot shower and a hot tea, i felt better. i can't sleep, that is why i came online. i lost my 'diary', so i came back to the blogospere. so, hello!
i think i'm a piece of crap. so totally! this is the worse thing i've ever done - getting wasted. i was never a fan of girl-getting-wasted-and-puked-all-over, as i always think that's very unglam. i can't believe i became that girl tonight! that's so... not me. damn! i'm really a piece of crap. argh, slap me please! i kept thinking about what happened to me just now, and i'm feeling so ARGH by it. dammit.
i swear this gonna be my first and last time getting so wasted. totally goners. thank goodness i've reliable friends around to rely on and taking care of me. thank goodness! i won't do this anymore! terrible feeling. the aftermath was worse! argh.
***
i know i know. it's only 1 month and 19 days. compared to some other failed relationship which lasted for years, mine is considered as no biggie. i'm not upset because of a failed and short relationship, but because of a failed ... me. i kept telling myself that the worse hurt i've met was when Wilson once told me he's getting married (after we broke up, and when i still had feelings for him), so now, this is really nothing. i mean, who can endure someone you love getting hitched with some other gal right? but i can't deceive myself, and my heart. i really can't. i do miss marc! i really do! i do want us to work. i really do! can we? i don't know!!
sometimes, i really wish to be those girls out there. so carefree. and take relationships like NO BIG DEAL. but i can't. all i want is a simple relationship. nothing complex or anything. am i that hard to please? i don't think so. you can't give me what i want, or rather, you can! just that, things changed because of a Past. maybe, everything just happened too fast. everything's just like a dream. has this 1 month 19 days been nothing but just a dream? maybe we got together on April's fool is really a JOKE itself. april's fool joke. -_- i SO hate this you know? anything good can't happen to me for good, as they'll always be taken away from me sooner or later. something like this happened to me last year too. why? tell me why! is it true that ALL GOOD THINGS WILL COME TO AN END? if really so, please let all the bad things fall on me, so it'll be for good. ha, not funny.
during the 7 days (or rather, 8 days) while he was away at Hanoi, i had told myself this, "actually i still can live without him". i had told myself this because i noticed the change in Us. but being the stubborn me, i won't give up without trying, without giving my best shot. so when he was back, i tried to be as 'normal' as i can. i was upset when i didn't get the response i wanted, but i swallowed it down and kept trying. and when we met up on wednesday, i swear we were fine! or rather, trying to be fine. in the end, it still didn't worked. why? i think it's just the Time, the Period and a Past that's making all these happened. i don't know if it's true, but that's what i can conclude. pretty sad huh?
i had planned a perfect birthday for him, but.... well. it will mean alot to me if he turns up for my graduation ceremony on 13th june, but... well. we had so many future plans which we've yet carried out, but... well. this 1 month 19 days may had been short, but.... i had put in my heart and soul. but.... well. :(
maybe a cooling off period is what we needed? more time i guess? no matter how much i missed him, i try to control. divert attention! i don't wanna allow the history to repeat, although it's beginning to repeat itself. no matter how painful this is, i have to live through it, no?
"forever is just a word, so it's i love you. but time will prove forever indeed exists and for us, we can make this love last forever. and you being part of my life is my happiness. i'll definitely give you happiness and the tears you'll ever shed will be tears of joy..."
that's the best thing i've heard in my whole life. although i told you alot of times that i don't believe in 'forever', but i swear when you said that to me, i had wanted to believe it. but well, the tears i've been crying now isn't tears of joy at all dear. guess promises are indeed meant to be broken afterall.
to you, though i know you'll never get to see this. but i've really no place to rant already.
i'm not angry. just disappointed. i really meant it each time i said 'i love you'. i really do, and still do. but guess now, certain things are not meant to be. maybe Time apart is what you and i both needed now. you know i'll always be the Joanne you first know since day 1...
we'll never know when you and i both are once again ready. you'll never know. i'll never know. and i dare not hope. take care dear...
***
dammit. i can't believe this is happening. booooooo. :(
i should get back to bed now. it's 6+ am now. i think he should be working morning shift today. shucks, that's none of your business now, jo! stop it and go to bed!
Labels: Inner Intentions
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The Lady
Joanne; twenty-one; 16jan'87
EMAIL ;j_o4nn3@yahoo.com.sg
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