Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Y Feelin' thoughtful.
you know how books talk about how girls have the NEED to talk. because it makes them feel a lot better when they speak of something verbally. it feels like i'm getting over my issue. it seems like i'm recovering. and all that bad memories seem like a figment in my imagination right now.
maybe. all these are what resulted in this change i see in myself. i became self-centered. i became nonchalant towards other people's lives. i've been adopting this "oh-i-see" attitude in regards to topics i find no interest in. this may sound selfish, but it's good in a way.
like what someone once told me that friends are diamond, so we don't have to have one bus-full of friends. just a couple of true confidants will do. how true. because the more you share your joy/woes/shits with, the higher the chances things may be spilled.
well, sometimes we just gotta learn it the harder way.
***
though getting a job has made me the happiest girl on earth for the past month, the same question keeps returning to me like a thrown boomerang - is this what i really want?
it's been less than a mere 2 months since i've unofficially graduated (fyi, i've not received my FYP results yet), and my mind's still very much unsettled. having talked to li'e about THE FUTURE, my mind's in a whirl all over again. i remembered feeling that few weeks back when i was approached with a better-pay-yet-lesser-benefits position, which i later on rejected the offer. back then, i feel really suffocated and lost until i talked to someone with more experiences and all.
i kept telling myself that i'm giving myself 3 months (yes, that's my probation period) before deciding to go on or leave. it feels like i'm not working for myself, but for others. because of some friends who did not support ya all the way, and instead, they said words to challenge you and the more makes you wanna prove them wrong. i'm actually rather disappointed when those words are brought upon my face. so much so that i wanna prove them wrong, i'm suffering everything all by myself. and are they even aware of that? do they even care? i doubt so.
dont be mistaken. i dont need their care, as i have all the rights in the world to make any decision. it's been 1 month since i stepped foot into this company, and i've 2 more months to venture before making any major decision.
this is a full-time job! if things are like before (doing part-time), i still can say "try try, dont like can quit", but things are very different now. maybe this is just my first job, i still can say "try", but i'm feeling very suffocated right now. i can't share with anyone else, because they may say things like "haaa, where got so easy one" or "haaa, see! i knew you sure cannot stay more than _ months" and etc. why can't these people just leave their comments to themselves?
day in day out. before and after passing my certification tests, i'm like doing the same old thing everyday! became michelle's 跟屁虫 all day long. when she's busy, i watched and learn. when she's not busy, i watched and learn too. day in day out, it's the same old transactions. unit trust subscription/redemption, fixed deposits, staffs' claims and all that. nothing new! alright, maybe i shouldn't complain so much, considering that i'm still NOOB. and i don't deny that this is an easy job, as i'm paid to learn. before my training, if i'm asked to be 跟屁虫, i've nothing to say. but after my training, it's still the same! oh why? all my friends from the same training class are getting the opportunity to stand beside a teller at a counter to interact with customers AND the opportunity to do some hands on. okay, for me i've done some account opening transactions and bulk cash counting, but that's just a few hours thing. after that, everything's back to square one.
sigh. i'm pressing on for the sake of the pay and the benefits from the bank. and also for the words of somebody. i will press on, till i totally can't take it.
i wonder what's in for me tomorrow. 2 more days, and i'll be having a pretty long weekend. i've an eventful weekend ahead, and i'm SO looking forward to it. friday - to NP ICT PROM! saturday - neth's 20th birthday bash @ party world. sunday - tentatively cny visiting with some of my poly classmates. yes, on the last day of CNY! that's like our class's unofficial tradition since last year. it's not confirmed tho. =) so, i just gotta hang in there for this 2 days.
i believe, things have to change soon.
***
it has been a long time since my heart zoomed into overdrive. like big time.
Labels: Inner Intentions
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The Lady
Joanne; twenty-one; 16jan'87
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